I’m back, again 

Hello everyone! I’m finally back! I’m so sorry for being MIA but it’s been kind of a crazy period in my life.  So let’s catch up. As you know I quit my job. My first week off of work was SXSW so I stayed really busy. We went out pretty much every day and did a lot of cool events. That week however, I had an anxiety attack. I use to have really bad anxiety when Joe and I first moved to Texas. So bad that I couldn’t drive myself anywhere and poor Joe had to take me to work, the store, school, etc. It went away, I’m not sure why or how but I thought I was over it. A week before I quit my job I had a panic attack. If you’ve never had one, you are really lucky. It feels like you can’t breathe, like your nostrils are closed up and you try to suck up as much air into your lungs but you just can’t! It feels like someone twice your size is sitting on your chest. Then your finger tips and nose start falling asleep and you feel like you are going to pass out. Anyway, after I had my first anxiety attack I started having them more often. It’s kind of a cycle, you are afraid to have an attack so you psych yourself out thinking about it and worrying that you actually start having one.
Two weeks ago, I was at work and I had an anxiety attack. I’ve always been afraid of my anxiety but didn’t think much of it since it really didn’t affect my daily life. I’m very lucky that I work with such amazing humans. As soon as I said I was having trouble breathing, they called an ambulance. The paramedics came and they had me hooked up to all kinds of machines. It’s very confusing having a medically trained person telling you that you have no vital signs that there is anything wrong with you when you feel like your whole world is crashing down and smothering you.
Joe picked me up from work after I told the paramedics I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I laid in bed most of the day just crying. I’ve never felt so broken in my life. It’s a horrible feeling to feel so hopeless and scared of your own mind. I was embarrassed that it happened at work but mostly I was terrified. If it happened at work that meant that I can’t perform normal tasks. Living with anxiety is very stressful because you are scared to do the simplest tasks. You are afraid to be alone, you are afraid to be around people; even something like driving to the store is terrifying. I went to the doctor the next day. She prescribed me anti depressants and two weeks worth of xanax.  I told her than in the past I had a history of abusing prescription pills so she said she would only give me two weeks worth.
I didn’t pick up the anti depressant pills. I know this is a very small way of thinking but I’ve beat my anxiety before and I know that I can do it again. I put myself in a position that was not healthy for my body, I overworked myself and I didn’t take care of myself. I’m also happy to say that I’ve only used one xanax pill since I got them.
I have a wonderful support system. My amazing husband, my parents, my friends, and of course my coworkers. I am now going to focus on myself and listen to the signs my body gives me. I am also pushing myself to counteract my attacks. The number one thing that gives me anxiety is driving and sitting in traffic, so I’ve started driving for Uber and Lyft. Not only is this a source of income, I am practicing driving and felling comfortable. I started going to meditation again and I made goals for the month of April to help me stay sane and healthy. It’s really nice to be able to make your own schedule.  I feel happy and I’m excited to recharge my batteries before I decide what I want to do with my life.
To be honest, I just really don’t want to work now. I mean I know that’s something that everyone wants haha but I just really haven’t even applied to any jobs.
So since we are starting a new month I made goals for this month. It’s something for me to do and keep up with because if I’m not being productive I will go crazy, and to better myself. 
So yesterday I did accomplished all of my day to day goals. I feel great. I’m not stressed, I’ve been a lot more positive, and I’m just really excited.  I’m going to try to keep up with this once again mostly because it gives me someone to talk to. I will keep you updated on my goals. I have 107 days until Mexico!!!!
My happy activity 4/1/15: I went to Joe’s football game, sat on the grass and started reading my book.
I haven’t read a book in like 3 months. It was Jaycee Dugards book. I’ve been listening to audio books and I recently finished Caree Otis’ book which I highly recommend. Anyway, I’m excited to be reading again.

It’s March!

Okay okay I know. I am the worst about consistency and posting all the time. So here’s kind of a recap of what is going on in my life: I put my two weeks in today at my full time job. It’s something I usually don’t do. I always have a backup plan and I don’t just ship unless I know I’m one of the elite women and children that get to have a life boat in the event of a sinking ship. But, this time, I just jumped. I don’t have anything lined up. I had an interview on Thursday with a women’s detox center but I’m not sure how that interview went. To be honest I really don’t care what I end up doing I just now that it’s not answering calls from senior citizens and walking them through how to use a computer and talk about insurance. That is just not my passion.

Another exciting thing that happened is that I started my teacher certification to be a fitness hoop instructor! I don’t know what I want to do with that yet, like everything in my life, but I’m excited for the opportunity. The class itself is super fun! It’s a workout with weights and has Pilates mixed into it all while you are hooping! Maybe I’ll make a video or something, I’m not sure.

Yesterday I spent most of my night meal prepping! I went crazy! No excuses! I made a big batch of lentils, quinoa, beans, steamed veggies, etc. then I put celery, cucumbers, carrots, pretzels, granola, and nuts into tiny Ziploc bags. I want to make sure that everything is easily accessible so when I wake up 5 minutes before I’m supposed to leave for work (aka today) I can just grab and go.

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I’m starting blogilates workouts again today. I just love them! She is so much fun! Here are some of my goals for this month. I’m not sure how well I’ll be able to do them because I think my parents are coming to visit for spring break and you know, the whole job search thing.

Use my whitening lightening pen every day (for my teeth)

Wear my waist trainer up to 3 hours every day

Wash my face with my Clearasonic

Meal Plan

Finish blogilates March calendar

Do yoga twice a week

Take my advocare pills

Drink tea with lemon juice in the morning.

Long Weekend

I’m finally back at work after a super long weekend. On Wednesday Joe and I went on a date night. Actually all of the days we did date night. On Wednesday night we went to a small place in Austin called House Wine. It’s this little house that sells wine and cheeses and stuff. It is super cute! We had a coupon I got from Travel Zoo, if you aren’t part of Travel Zoo I would definitely recommend signing up. They have great deals on flights and vacations but if you’re poor like me, they also have great deals in your area. We had really good wine. Joe always chooses my wine for me because I don’t know what I’m doing. He knows wine and he knows me so he always picks a winner. We got a HUGE plate of meats and cheeses. Then all of a sudden our friends Reno and Jessica showed up! So we drank wine with them. Afterwards, Joe and I went to a hookah bar. When we first started seeing each other we would go to hookah bars all the time. Mostly because we weren’t 21 and that was the only bar we could go to haha. But we still love to go because we have what we call our “hookah talks”. A hookah talk is when you just talk about everything and anything. It’s great. We had ANOTHER bottle of wine while smoking. I’m pretty sure I was hammered most of this weekend.

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On Saturday we woke up to go to our massage appointment. We got this package were we got to sit in an aroma therapy whirlpool then a 60 minute massage. After our massage we went downtown to walk around the lake. Joe and I love going on walks, like an old couple that walks around for fun. I really wanted to see the capitol building since I’ve been in Austin for almost 4 years and have never seen it. So we rented bikes. YES RENTED BIKES! Super Austin, super hipster, and super fun! On our way to the capitol I realized we were close to the graffiti wall which Joe has never been to. So we stopped there and climbed to the top. The art there is very impressive. I can’t even make art with paper and pencil let alone a can of paint and a wall. The most impressive thing about it is going there at night and climbing to the top. The whole city is illuminated. It was daytime when we went but I’ve taken the kids at the rehab at night before and it’s a wonderful sight. We decided to head back to the car since it was getting close to the show we had tickets for. Never actually made it to the capitol.

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We got drinks and appetizers at a restaurant near the comedy show. The comedy show was hilarious. No surprise there I mean it’s a fricken comedy show. There were 3 comedians total. All funnier than the last. Brian Posehn was so fantastic! Afterwards he was taking pictures and signing autographs which I thought was just super nice of him. I think if I ever became famous id be the biggest bitch. I don’t even like when people come up to me now and ask for like a pen or something, I am usually really friendly when I’m drunk, which just so happens to be a lot, so that is my public service. Anyway, I just think that’s so nice of him.

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On Friday I had to go to a CPR training at work. I learned a lot! It was actually very entertaining too. After that Joe and I finally got groceries! We literally had no food for days. We also had a bonfire at night. It was so nice and relaxing. We just sat in the backyard drinking wine and smoking cigars. I felt like a true Italian man. Saturday I had to work 12 to 10 ugh! It was actually a good day. My favorite kid in the program left so I was trying really hard to enjoy my last day with him. I’m going to miss him so much and it took everything I had not to break down and sob when it was time to go home. After work I went out for my coworker’s birthday. I can never drink too much when I go out after work just because I have to drive all the way home which is 35 minutes away. It was fun though. I need to do that more often.

Yesterday was the first day that I did absolutely nothing. Which I really needed. I went to the grocery store to buy stuff to make Joe a nice dinner but other than that I sat around and binge watched New Girl and the Office. It was great! I was just lying on the couch like a saggy bag of potatoes and it was okay!

Anyway, the most exciting this about this weekend is that my sweet ass husband bought me the teacher certification for Fitness Hoop Dance! The classes start this weekend and my test will be in 3 weeks. I am so super excited! I cannot wait! Also that gives me more motivation to actually get in shape because no one is going to buy a fitness class from you if you are not fit. So the whole reason I started this blog is to keep track of my eating and stuff and I haven’t been doing that at all. So starting today, we are changing that! I woke up early this morning to work out and I am logging everything on my fitness pal! See yall tomorrow! Maybe….

Crazy Week

This week has been super crazy. Death by work overload. The funny thing is that I don’t really do anything that hard for work, what I mean is that both of my jobs could be considered the easiest jobs in the world. I think it’s more the lack of sleep and finding equilibrium in my personal and work life. On Thursday the stress piled on so my friend and I decided to go out for drinks during lunch. This is always a bad idea for me because alcohol makes me two things: hungry and tired. Although I didn’t like this outcome, it was nice to just relax and vent with a friend.

On Friday after work I went home and got ready for my friends Valentine’s Day party. I wore my waist trainer which was a bad idea because driving with that thing on was nearly impossible, not to mention the fact that I couldn’t sit nor breathe at the party. I think I figured out how that thing works. Michelle had a pile of chips and queso, my number one weakness followed closely by chicken wings and Chipotle. Anyway, I had two chips, I wanted more, but I knew that if I had any more along with the beer I was drinking my waist trainer would pop off and hit someone in the face. So I stopped. Way to go waist trainer!

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Saturday is a complete blur. I worked 6 am to 10 pm. I was exhausted all day long and in the verge of a mental breakdown by the time I got off. I decided I’m quitting the rehab job in April because that would mark 6 months with them which is what I needed for my resume. As I was driving home fighting to stay awake and trying to shake off all the things that the kids did to piss me off I was just thinking about bed bed bed! I got home and my wonderful beautiful husband had a romantic dinner planned with candles and a little baby stuffed monkey! He made garlic bread, pizza, a lot of wine, and tres leches cake. It was the most wonderful and perfect surprise. I am so blessed to have such a romantic man in my life.

Sunday I actually got to sleep in which was much needed. When I woke up my manager at the rehab texted me asking if I could come in at 12 instead of 2. I was mad that I wouldn’t have time to unwind but of course I said yes. I’m not sure why I agree to do things I don’t want to do. It was actually one of my New Years Resolutions to learn how to say no and not feel obligated to help out when I don’t feel like it, obviously it hasn’t been working out. Just after I said yes my friend Natalie texted me: BRUNCH! I totally forgot I had made plans for brunch! I felt like the worst friend in the world. I thought about telling her I got called in early. I looked at Instagram while I was trying to decide what to say when I saw a quote that stopped me in my tracks. “Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life” it read. That’s all I needed. I love Natalie and I cherish every single moment we spend together because she lives in Dallas. I texted my manager and like everything else in my life, I blamed Joe. “Hi Jamie I just went outside and realized my husband took the car this morning and won’t be back until 12 so I can’t make it in until 2”. Total lie because we have two cars but that’s none of her business. With that, I got ready for brunch. I had a ton of fun at brunch and a little too much to drink. I made the right decision, it was fun to go out with the girls and laugh and talk and just be. I’m really proud of myself for saying no even though I don’t think it counts because I said yes at first. Regardless, I am happy about my decision.

Sunday at work was only a blur only this time it wasn’t because I was tired, it was because I had some drinks in me, just a reminder I work at a REHAB! I did notice that a lot of the things the kids to that usually make me mad just seemed funny. Maybe I should drink before work all the time.

Yesterday was my first day of “normalcy”. I had work and my toastmasters meeting which ironically, was about finding balance in your work and personal life, not something I have researched very well. After work I had an awesome workout. I hadn’t worked out in so long! I didn’t eat that great yesterday. I had Chipotle for lunch, not the healthy options either.

So my husband is catholic, and lent is coming up. I always really like lent because I am a weirdo and I like challenges. So even though I am not doing it for religious purposes I do want to do something. Joe is giving up beer. I honestly don’t drink beer as often as he does. I love vodka, but I’m never ever giving that up. I think I’m going to try to give up negative talk at work. All the time I come in and say “I’m so tired”, “that customer was annoying”, “oh my goodness will this fucking phone stop ringing” etc. I will try and do it at both of my jobs. We will see how long I last.

Waist Training

Do you enjoy breathing? Well then do not use a waist trainer. What are your thoughts on this? I’ve read do many articles talking about how they don’t work and how they can cause several problems. Today is the first day I am wearing mine. I got it in about a week ago but because of my period I wasn’t about so squeeze into it. Although I am very skeptical, I am excited to try it and maybe see what all the hype is about.

So day 1: very hard to put on, I think it’s partially because it’s supposed to be hella tight and partially because I have fake nails. For someone who hates tight clothes because they give her panic attacks and feels like she can’t breathe, this probably wasn’t the best idea. I put it on when I got to work because I didn’t want to drive with it on. My coworkers have agreed to rescue me in the event of such attack. I read online that you are supposed to wear them 2 hours when you first start and increase an hour every day. We will see how long I last. The one thing I like about it is that it makes me have good posture. I have the most horrible posture so hopefully this helps. I also how my body looks with it on.

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I woke up and did pilates this morning. I’m getting better with my 10 pound weights. I have 156 days until my cousins wedding! I know that seems like a lot but it will fly by!

Seeing a pattern

So I’ve noticed a pattern, whenever I start feeling overwhelmed and asking myself what the hell I’m doing with my life, and start doubting if I’m taking on too many things, its usually because my period is coming. So sorry about venting and sorry about skipping out on writing but that’s why. I’ve been really stressed and tired. I think today is the most normal I’ve felt in a while. I did ask my boss for next Thursday off just because I work every day. I don’t have a day off at all, that is usually the case every week but I work 24 hours this weekend plus my 40 at my real job, plus school. Anyway, next Thursday I will have the day off with my husband! I’m so excited I want to do something fun and new and exciting.

On Monday I hung out with a coworker after work. then I went home and worked out. I had he worst cramps every so I took a vicodin which was a bad idea since I hadn’t had dinner yet. Yesterday I had school then Joe and I went to Hooters for dinner haha.

I have a study session with my friend during lunch so I might just snack on some protein bars and juice for lunch. I woke up early to do weights this morning, I’m still scared to run and my feet are still not better. I can’t believe it’s only Wednesday. This week is dragging.

Fire Hooping Etc.

Happy Monday! Let the countdown begin for the weekend! So on Saturday I had to work in the morning. Since we only have 31 kids right now we had too many people and I, being so nice, volunteered to go home. I went back to bed and I didn’t wake up until 11! I haven’t slept in that late in ages! It felt so good and I’m sure my body appreciated it because I went on an awesome 4 mile run afterwards. The run itself is easy, cardiovascular and leg wise I’m golden, it’s just my damn calluses. I literally feel my feet burning off! When I got home and looked at the huge bubble, I was mortified. I even used double socks! I’m not sure what else to do, to be honest I’m kind of afraid of running again.

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After my run I studied until it was time for my fire hooping class, yes that’s right! FIRE HOOPING! It was everything that is amazing in the world! It was so fascinating, incredible, wonderfully unbelievable, and every other cliché thing you could think of but not cliché! I’ve never felt so free! It’s kind of weird to explain and I probably sound like a weird hippie that never shaves when I’m explaining it but I just felt it in my soul. So you are spinning and there is fire around you and you just move your body with the music and you almost mesmerize yourself. Once you stop spinning, you look up and you kind of forget where you were and that there are other people around watching you. In that moment you are somewhere else, you are spinning and nothing in the world matters, all the problems, and all the insecurities that you have just disappear. I honestly can’t wait to go back and I might invest in a fire hoop so I can practice at home.

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After hooping Joe and I went downtown to meet with an old friend of mine from Chicago. He actually use to be my acting coach. He was in town shooting a commercial for a company and invited us out. Can I just say, I HATE DOWNTOWN. I do like to people watch. I love seeing drunk people interact and watch what our society considers the norm.

Sunday morning I got a bunch of chores done early in the morning before work. I think there is something about waking up and drinking your coffee in bed with your cat and staying in your pjs until after 12 that is just absolute bliss. I love working on chores while watching TV and dancing around. That is my relaxing time. I had to work 2 to 10 yesterday which is just such a horrible shift because the kids are so damn rowdy! Sometimes when its lights out I think I’m in a zoo with a bunch of little crazy monkeys just throwing shit around and jumping and jumping and screaming! It’s like a horror movie. I got really really mad at one point which I try not to do with them. It’s very rare that they get yelled at by me but yesterday it happened multiple times.

I have to run 3 miles today. I’m scared about my feet. I might also go to a dance class tonight but that all depends on how much studying I get done during lunch.